In My Version...........

In my version of the bible, Jesus, not Toni, sees Angela naked in the shower. In my version of the bible Jesus saves The Smurfs from being turned into gold by Gargamel. In my version of the bible, Jesus teaches Bea Arthur what it’s like to be an old Sicilian woman. In my version of the bible, Moses comes out of a coma only to tell Jesus that he is actually in love with his twin brother Marc Anthony. In my version of the bible, Adam draws a bow, shoots an apple off his son’s head which directly lands on Sir Isaac Newton who because of these turn of events makes one hell of a cookie. In my version of the bible, when the floods came, they used the excess stomach of Starr Jones as a life raft. In my version of the Bible, Clinton inhales. In my version of the bible, Stella looses her groove only to realize I have crammed it back up her ass for her. In my version of the bible, God is too legit, too legit to quit. In my version of the bible, Andy Garcia is the devil and he rides around hell in a gold plated wheelbarrow pulled by a team of Polynesian hookers. In my version of the bible, Jesus is the Un-cola. In my version of the bible, Jeff Foxworthy has complete social and political control over all those inbreds who love him so damn much. In my version of the bible, Trix are for prostitutes. In my version of the bible, God has something stuck in his teeth and he’s totally oblivious to it but it’s really hard to take him seriously when he looks like that. In my version of the bible, heaven is a place where men and goats can love one another free of public scrutiny. In my version of the bible, Jesus gets a criminal record for public intoxication and jumping on a Mardi gras float. In my version of the bible, Charlton Hesston finally gets his human heart. In my version of the bible, anyone who refers to Wednesday as ‘Humpday’ is instantly sodomized. In my version of the bible, people recognize the difference between Miracle Whip and mayonnaise. My version of the bible is written and illustrated by child author Judy Blume.

Mary